Cancer can change a lot of aspects of your life – including how you are intimate with your partner.
Some people don’t think about sex when they have cancer. Maybe you won’t think about sexual relationships until after treatment is over and you begin to focus on life after cancer.
However, others do wonder how cancer and treatment might affect their ability to have and enjoy sex. You may want to find ways to make sure you can have the kind of sex life you want during and after treatment.
Whatever way you feel, we're sharing 5 ways cancer can impact your sex life and how you can cope with these changes.
1. Your physical ability to give and receive sexual pleasure may change
Depending on the cancer type and your treatment plan you may find that your physical ability to enjoy sex will change.
For example, your favourite lovemaking positions may no longer be comfortable. Nerve damage after surgery may make it difficult or impossible to get an erection. Some treatments may slow down your body’s ability to become aroused (or get “turned on”) or affect your ability to have an orgasm.
It can be upsetting when the way you used to perform and enjoy sex changes after cancer. But it doesn’t mean that you can no longer have a sexual relationship with your partner or with new partners.
For tips on managing sexual problems after cancer and its treatment you can read our guides on Sexual problems – female sex organs and Sexual problems – male sex organs.
2.You may experience many strong emotions
Cancer can bring up a lot of strong feelings. You may be afraid, anxious, sad or angry. Having these kinds of feelings can make it harder to feel interested in sex or to get aroused the way you did before you had cancer.
These strong emotions can be as serious as the physical effects of cancer, and partners can have them too. The emotional “ups and downs” can affect your desire for sex. If you’re already feeling low and a sexual experience doesn’t go how you hoped, it can make those feelings even worse.
Don’t ignore the emotional changes cancer can cause. Tell your partner how you’re feeling. Joining a support group or talking to someone else with cancer or other caregivers can also help. Our online community at cancerconnection.ca is a great place to start if you want to talk to others going through similar experiences.
If you’re finding your emotions are becoming too much to cope with, talk to your doctor. Many different treatments, including medicines and counselling, can help.
3.Your thoughts and feelings about your body may shift
Cancer treatment can cause different side effects. You may gain or lose weight, your hair may fall out, you may experience changes to skin and nails, scars or loss of a body part. Even if you look much the same on the outside during or after your cancer experience, you may feel less attractive or desirable. All these things can affect your sex life, and everyone reacts in their own way.
These kinds of big changes can be upsetting, but there are ways to improve your body image and self-esteem. Talk to your partner or someone else you trust about your fears and feelings. Focusing on what makes you feel good about yourself can reduce anxiety and build confidence. Take care of yourself and indulge in little splurges if you can. A haircut, new clothes, a massage or pedicure can help you feel better about yourself.
If those tips don’t help, ask your doctor for other suggestions.
4. Your interest in having sex – also known as your desire or libido – may change
Cancer treatments can affect your desire for sex in different ways. Hormone therapy or surgery that removes hormone-producing organs, like the ovaries or testicles, can lower libido. But physical changes aren’t the only factor - emotions, stress, or pain can also play a big role.
Not everyone loses interest in sex during treatment, but it’s common and can feel upsetting for both you and your partner. Fatigue, pain, anxiety, depression, changes in appearance and shifts in hormone levels are just some of the reasons your sex drive might dip.
If your sex drive is affected, try to remember that sexual interest often returns when treatment is over and you’re feeling better. If depression or emotional challenges are part of the issue, talk to your doctor about treatment options. You can also ask to see a sexuality counsellor or healthcare professional who specializes in sexual problems.
5.You may be coping with side effects of treatment
Pain, fatigue, nausea or other side effects can make sex feel impossible. Some of these changes go away after treatment, while others last longer.
Either way, many of them can be treated. If you’re having longer-term or permanent sexual problems because of cancer treatment, there are lots of strategies for coping with them, adjusting to the changes and finding ways to make your sex life better. Talk to your healthcare team – they are there to make sure you get the help and support you need.
Even if your sexual routines change, intimacy is still possible. Explore what feels good now and focus on connection rather than performance.
Talk to your partner
You are not alone if you find sex hard to talk about. Many people feel awkward or embarrassed talking about sex, even with their partner.
Before cancer, you may not have needed to talk about your sex life that much. Now, you may feel like withdrawing and avoiding the conversation to spare your partner from your fears and worries. But avoiding the conversation can make both of you feel disconnected and stressed.
Talking openly can help you share what feels good, what hurts and what you feel ready for. It can also help your partner understand your needs and concerns.
Many people feel a bit hopeless when cancer causes problems in their sex life, but there are always ways to make things better. It may not be easy but talking open and honestly is the best way to get the help you need.